


Realizations

by velutluna_ithil



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-10 00:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3270539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velutluna_ithil/pseuds/velutluna_ithil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a tough case, Emily takes JJ home and they both realize something about their budding relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Realizations

She felt the tightness of her skin, stretched over her sore muscles, grime covering her in a barely visible yet horribly confining layer. Her eyes gazed out the window of the car vacantly, not seeing the lights in the darkness, the soft hum of the motor a backdrop for her slow thoughts. They never told you how different it was. Fighting in a rank cellar, for your life, for someone else’s life, for everything. It wasn’t the sweaty accomplishment you got from a tussle with a trainer. It was hard, brutal, it lacked finesse, and you did not win. You never won. Not dying was what you were working for. The child, yes, she was safe, back in the arms of those who loved her. But righting the wrongs of the world was tiring and she wished that the world could just stay in balance, that her job would one day become obsolete. Closing her eyes, JJ tried to block out these thoughts. It happened, sometimes, that instead of feeling success at another life saved, all she could feel was hopelessness. The underworld was all encompassing; sometimes the current was too strong for her to swim against. It was a struggle to keep from drowning.

She knew the look; she could feel the waves of residual fear and desolation emanating from her partner in the passenger seat. She knew that this case had been more of a fight than normal. It grieved her that she hadn’t been there, hadn’t been the one to back JJ up. When Reid had called her, it took less than ten minutes for her to get to her car and drive in to D.C. and pick JJ up. Emily looked at the bruises on JJ’s face, her torn blouse and bloody jeans, and felt the anger simmering in her gut, a burning in her fists. The urge to be violent was something she knew, but it was different now. It was not some stranger she wanted to save, some unsub she wanted to catch. No, this was the woman she cared for, the skin her hands had only begun to discover, the body she yearned to be close to. But there was enough violence in the world, she reminded herself. JJ needed her calm now, she needed quiet and rest, to wash herself of the past. Emily only hoped she would accept her support, that she could do more than drive her home. Harboring no expectations, she drove to JJ’s apartment. As she parked the car on the side of the road, she broke the silence.

“JJ?” she said, softly. Despite the gentleness, JJ was startled. “Oh. I guess we’re here,” she said, her voice lacking her normal vigor. She bent down to grab her bag, wincing as her aching shoulder protested. Emily hesitated, then said, “Do you want me to come up with you?” It was a risk, she hated putting JJ under pressure, indeed, intended her offer to be kind, not an additional problem. She saw the warring opinions in JJ’s eyes. All she wanted was to help, but the last few weeks had thrust them into new territory. As friends they both knew how things worked, but now, as something more, there was an undefined difference. Would JJ be willing to let her in? Or would she shy away from the closeness?

Could she allow Emily to come with her? Part of her screamed that anything was better than being alone, that she could not cope with the empty, cold apartment. Yet Emily was so strong, how could she let her see her weakness? Emily had been through so much worse, she would think less of her for suffering so much from what was, really, a harmless fight. She had gotten away with bruises and some aches; no stab wounds and nothing that required more patching up than the EMTs had been able to give her. And yet, she felt raw, open and empty at the same time. Her spirit felt as ripped apart as the fabric that pretended to be her shirt. How could she sew herself back together? 

“Yes,” JJ whispered. One word. That was all it took.

 

Emily walked into the adjoining bathroom and turned on the hot water in the bathtub. JJ was in her room, a door away, taking off her clothes, probably throwing both the top and the pants into a bag that would land in the garbage. No one ever considered the clothing they went through in this line of work, how many shirts were thrown away, how the blood wouldn’t come out. Even if it did, who could stand wearing something that had witnessed death? She opened a bottle of soap, honeysuckle, JJ’s scent, and let a few drops fall into the rising water. She was a shower person, but she knew JJ, knew that what she needed was comfort, needed to be grounded again. A shower was too quick, too efficient, it cleaned but did not cleanse.

JJ stood in her room, the once white shirt in her hands. A few moments, all she could do was stare at the cloth. Then the sound of water from the bathroom filled her ears and she stuffed her whole outfit into the black bag on the floor next to her. She took off her bra, the lace, a small luxury, and set it on the chest at the foot of the bed. That was something she could salvage, wash and wear again. She didn’t remove her underwear, she knew Emily was in the next room, some semblance of modesty still felt necessary. The thought almost brought a smile to her lips- the woman who worked with her, who had seen her in worse situations, who had captured her heart (even if she didn’t know it)- there was no need to be shy with her, but JJ couldn’t pretend that confidence came easy to her, especially not with marks covering her body. Two steadying breaths and she walked towards the door.

Again a jolt of rage rushed through Emily as she saw JJ standing in the doorway, beaten, eyes clouded. But that was immediately replaced by concern and a wish to do everything to remove the vacant look from her face. She grasped JJ’s hand, with slow moves, then guided her to the tub. Emily looked at her, noticed her remaining clothes, which JJ removed almost absently. The brief respite she had felt in taking off the blood-stained clothes was gone, all JJ felt now was a deep exhaustion. “I hope the water isn’t too hot,” Emily said as she raised their joined hands, helping her into the water. JJ shook her head, the heat engulfing her as she sat down slowly. After a brief sigh, she looked at Emily, kneeling next to the tub. JJ’s eyes held a silent plea, or so Emily thought. She knew better than to ask, JJ had accepted her help once, but that admission had cost her. This time, JJ needed to be the one in power, the one with a choice.

“May I join you?” Emily asked, and her voice trembled briefly. It was important to her, she didn’t just _want_ to help JJ, she _needed_ to help her. Of course, she would leave, she would do whatever JJ needed, but it would hurt to leave her, breakable as JJ seemed. With bated breath, she waited for some sign that JJ wanted her help. When JJ’s eyes closed, she felt the pain stab her, a sharp sting through her chest.

JJ felt her heart clench at Emily’s words. Yes, all she wanted was Emily close to her, touching her, making her whole. She closed her eyes, her lips pressed against each other. And as the first tears pooled in her eyes, she nodded.

Emily’s heart swelled even as it ached. Impossibly glad to be accepted and terribly affected by JJ’s tears. She quickly removed her clothes and stepped into the tub behind JJ, her body gliding into the warm water, her legs sliding underneath JJ’s. Her arms wrapped around JJ, holding her shaking body. The silent sobs wracked her body, the water and bubbles swashed back and forth, just enough to wet the floor a little. Emily leaned forward, her forehead resting on JJ’s neck. Their bodies were close; Emily’s breasts pressed again JJ’s back, near as possible. Emily’s strong body was the container JJ needed, something to hold her down, to put her back into her own body, stitching her body and mind back together again. Emily whispered sweet words of nothingness to her, soothing her, the sound more important than the content. When the sobs subsided, and only occasional tremble coursed through JJ’s body, Emily reached into the corner behind her, picking up the washcloth lying there.

With measured movements, she began running the cloth over JJ’s skin, washing away the dirt, the dust, the disgust. JJ’s eyes filled with tears again, not because she felt lost, but because she felt safe. The intimacy of Emily’s touch made her breath hitch. They had been close, but this was different. Washing someone. Only parents did that. People who loved you, people who wanted nothing more than your well-being, who truly cared for you. She felt herself emerge from the tunnel she had been in, the strange world of criminals and violence and aggression and revulsion. In Emily’s arms, her heart began to beat again, in a rhythm that was not fueled by adrenaline or shock. Something else was giving it strength. It was love.

It was love. It came to her with sudden clarity as she felt JJ’s skin underneath her fingers, as she heard her sigh and felt the tension leave her body. For a moment her hand stilled at the realization, then she regained control. She loved the woman in front of her, not the love of a friend, not the love that was desire, it was love, unadulterated love. She did not say a word. This moment was enough. The day would come when she would tell JJ, when she would make that jump, the largest leap of faith of her life. But it was not today; tonight was for healing.

So Emily began humming, a soft song, something she had learned long ago, an almost forgotten tune. Her hands continued the patterns across JJ’s skin, becoming soft in their warm embrace. They sat in silence, rich silence, full of promises they had yet to utter.

Heaven is so much sweeter for having glimpsed hell.

 

 

 


End file.
